Women seem to experience anger mostly from the outside in. We get mad at something or someone, but we usually end up taking it out on ourselves. You can see this through the actions of self-harm that we inflict on ourselves (overeating, undereating, cutting, depression) and also in the way that our anger manifests into physical pain (headaches, migraines, shoulder pain, teeth grinding). Our own anger is often something that we are actually a little afraid of. We try to avoid it, mask it or deny it. As in...no I wasn't angry I was worried ....I'm not angry but....
Often by the time that anger comes out, it comes out sideways-completely missing the actual cause of our anger and landing on our spouses, our children, our co-workers, an innocent grocery store clerk. And this only reinforces our fear of anger- it tells us that our anger is reckless and regrettable.
So what is the purpose of anger? Anger actually serves two very important functions:
- it tells us when our boundaries are crossed
-it lets us know when something needs to change
Our anger is highly valuable. We need our anger to alert us to things that are not acceptable or okay and to help fuel us to make changes in those areas. When channeled appropriately, anger helps us to live the life we want to live and to keep us safe from harm.
So next time you are feeling the effects or aftermath of anger, try these steps:
1. Acknowledge your anger. Admit it. So often I hear women say I’m not mad... Yes you were. You're furious. It's not the end of the world.
2. Take some time to think about what your goal is. Get out a pen and paper and write for a few minutes. Ask yourself: What do you need from the other person? What do you want to see happen? This step is important, it allows for you to refocus on the bigger picture and to keep in mind the potential consequences of your next steps.
3. Take ownership over your own emotions and wellbeing. People often assume that the other person should know what they did wrong or that you are upset. This is an unfair expectation of others and a way of trying to avoid conflict. It is your job to teach people about your personal boundaries and to take care of yourself. It is not anyone else's job to try to make guesses or to become an expert mindreader.
4. Go to the source. At first, it might feel easier to practice this step after the initial triggering event is over. Often we freeze up in the moment. That's okay. Later, after step two, return to the source of your anger. Go back and deal with it directly. Express your anger to the appropriate person. (Face to face is best, unless you believe that the other person could become violent.) When you are angry, say so. Be clear and direct. Practice speaking your truth.
